Perfect crushed art.

Catching planes in the sky.

2012-01-19T16:31:00.000+08:00

So near yet so far.
The feeling
Of two opposites
Colliding.

Abstract art.

2012-01-17T15:30:00.002+08:00

It's free entry on one condition – You must donate one of your many photos.

It's a room with no furniture, but only the portraits hang up at every side of the walls. Every one of it is in a different shade of red. Each screaming a story of its own. Some looks similar, some looks familiar, some looks completely bizarre. Some, at first glance, you wouldn't understand it. But, please give it some time and patience. Even the most complicated ones have a deeper meaning to it.

It's a place for the display of the works of art. It's gallery filled with broken hearts. Each is unique on its own, each kind of love has a identity on its own.

Making wishes on eyelashes.

2012-01-16T12:00:00.001+08:00

My sister influenced me where you must always make a wish when you find a dropped eyelash. It's a simple procedure actually, you pick up the eyelash, put it on your finger, close your eyes, make a wish and blow it off. If the eyelash manages to be blown off, your wish comes true and vice versa.

Last night when I was heading for bed, I did my usual routine of washing up before snuggling with the pillows. I found an eyelash on my cheek. I, obviously, was happy because I get an opportunity to make a wish. I took it cautiously and gently placed it on my finger. Once I knew it was stable, I immediately closed my eyes and make a wish. I inhaled a big breath and was ready to blow it. Then I hesitated, expelling that big breath of air with a large sigh instead. What if the eyelash doesn’t get blown off? It signifies that my wish will not come true. I feared for its consequences. Debating to myself for a bit while standing in the toilet.

Life is a gamble isn't it? So here's my gamble. I somewhat cheated by taking a bigger breathe this time. A larger volume of air in my lungs together with slight hope in it. With that gush of air being expelled, the eyelash did get blown off. Ah, that satisfaction I get when I see no strand of black hair on my finger. I was contented and in fact, I told myself that I'm going to have a good night's sleep.

Funny how I can be so silly. Thinking that wishes will come true that easily.

Familiar strangers.

2012-01-12T23:59:00.001+08:00

Came across this totally random girl's blog one night, and I was merely just reading the first few top posts. And it felt like I could relate everything to this girl. I was actually intrigue by her that I started reviewing her older posts and even older posts, until I realize I went all the way back to 2010. Putting side that I'm a major creepy stalker like that, I could understand every single world she was trying to put across. Those emotions in those words perfectly depict all these imageries in my head that seem so familiar. It's not the type of blog that has gazillon and one adjectives, with flowery and beautiful words. It's one of those forthright straightforward blogs that just merely expresses one's inner emotions.

I must say, this has lead me to explore the option of opening this blog to the public again. In hopes that one day, a random stranger would come along and realizes these words were all true. They aren't some kind of melodramatic scripts that most would think I'm trying to portray.

And with a little push from courage, I did. I gave it one last shot.

Null.

2012-01-09T15:26:00.002+08:00

It is obviously isn't one of the best times to be blogging when you have an exam tomorrow which you aren't even confident of passing. Obviously, like always, this lazy nature of mine creeps in, so does procrastination, thus the generation of this post.

I finally booked my ticket back home in June and I can not be any happier at that moment. But now, the fears of having to retake my papers in summer brought me back to reality. Which is also why I'm having all these panic attacks that I try to put them down by having a 15 minutes nap. But half the time it ends up as 10 hours of sleep, which results me into another panic attack. It's such a vicious cycle, isn't it.

Came here with a lot of things to say, but suddenly with that paragraph written, I'm going into another panic attack. So I've decided to end things abruptly here and head back to my lectures.

I must say I've taken awhile to contemplate if I should blog this post which has no meaning at all or conclusion or even any start to it. But I shall.

365 days ago.

2012-01-06T02:39:00.000+08:00

Exactly one year ago, I was in the same shoes as those whom once I always referred to as Year 5s. I still can remember that day clearly, that day which I made the day to determine my entire 2011 year. I remember opening that white envelope, and I said that determines my entire future. It was definitely one of the most disappointing moments of my life. But I wasn't shocked or taken aback with it, in fact, I think I deserved it. For once, I couldn't cheat my way out but face it. I faced with it disappointments over the next few months. My life did turn grey from then. In fact it turn more than just grey, it was more of a black.

RCSI came along, and that was the only spark that made things slightly better.

I just hope everyone in this year wouldn't end up the same position as me, as that would really suck. All the best to you guys over back in Singapore, even though none of you can read this. :)

More than it should be.

2012-01-04T09:30:00.001+08:00

It's not the right time to piece alphabets together to form words at a point like this. Exams are less than a week now, to be exact, in 5 days. And I've barely studied half of what I'm suppose to.

So I'm finally I'm back in the land of Irish. Spending 2 weeks of my winter break in London with the people I love and miss the most, makes it even harder now to be alone. I hate the idea of reuniting and then separation again. Actually, I just hate the idea of separation. I don't say much, I don't feel much, but I really do miss my siblings a lot. Coming back to Dublin, space seems much bigger than it should be. Coldness feels colder than it should be. Silence became more silent than it should be. It's funny how everything is now heightened.

2 weeks more and I'll be going back to London again. Meanwhile, I'll brave through this exam, in hopes of not failing. Strive harder and do better for the next. Shall determination not fail me once more. Or I'll end up exactly where I am now.

All but one.

2011-12-30T15:56:00.001+08:00

The end of twentyeleven. I've written letters to a handful of people. Telling them how much they have constitute my twentyeleven and how much I've appreciated them being in my life.

I gave all except one..

This year has been an exploration of many unknown feelings. Disappointment. Betrayal. Hurt. Pain. Despair. Bewilderment. Loneliness. Fear. Exploration. Worthlessness. And finally minute happiness.

I wish I could obliterate this year. 365 days passed by like this. 365 days wasted. 365 days older.

Here's to a new year. A new resolution. Build up walls. Hardened up. Focus on only medicine and nothing else. A good doctor is one who is numbed to emotions. No time for games, for anyone, for myself.

Warriors' hibernation.

2011-12-18T01:14:00.001+08:00

A conventional advice to the disconsolate heart is to "sleep it off." We only sleep it off because time relatively do seem to pass faster. And once hour hits the second twelve we can finally openly, and somewhat proudly, say we've survived a day. The cycle continues every day till one day, when we have gathered enough strength to face our problems and be ready. Be ready to fight the battle, instead of just surviving it.

In reality, we are only idealists.

2011-12-16T02:55:00.003+08:00

It's deceiving how one always tell another that there will always be better. Creating false ideas that there no final plateau in any point in life. One must always be in the hunt for the better. It makes one feel so unsettled and uncertain about current life.

Infinite wants is probably the biggest flaw that human posses. No matter how we are deeply sunken into the roots of fresh green grass, we tend to find that it is always greener on the other side.We try cutting off our roots in pursuit for the 'better good', but only to realize that we have been interchanging between the two all along.

Then again, we all try to put it off and forcefully coming up with irrational logical reason for our behaviours. The immense pride one can have could probably take second place. "It must be the constant movement of the sun that causes the different shading of the grass. It must be.."

The one that got away.

2011-12-12T20:33:00.002+08:00

They say treat people how you want to be treated. They also say, you cannot expect anything back in return when you are genuinely helping someone or else it defeats its purpose of being genuine.

But it's kind of saddening when you know someone doesn't want you in his or her life. Despite the number of things you have done for them, it somehow feels like they are blind towards it. A lot of times you try questioning why and what you have done wrong. Even with the inability to form the answers, you just take it all down like herbal medicine, like you need a form of remedy, that it is your fault. Sometimes, you side-tracked for a bit and start hurling the bitterness you have experienced, but at the end of the day you engulf yourself in that little pinch of guilt.

They say it takes two hands to clap. I guess, this time, both of it are yours.

Nearing the end for a beginning.

2011-12-09T23:59:00.000+08:00

Where have all the time been to? Suddenly 11 months flash before your eyes, and you're getting ready to say hello to a new year again. It's finally December now. On one hand, how I wish December could fly pass faster than any months so I can tell myself to start a new in 2012. On another, I'm afraid of what the future holds for me.

I finally gave myself this few hours away from all the fast pacing movements of the world, and just sit back and reflect on almost everything. Time to catch up on my emotions instead of academics. Honestly, I've been progressively numbing myself, throwing my emotions far way, running away from from every sensation I could possibly feel.

Remember someone telling me that one should be adaptable to the environment to survive. I'm surviving, I guess. But it's sad how I just get used to everything. Getting used to be feeling sad all the time. When a slight happiness creeps in, I tend to shut it away and try to find cracks of unhappiness to bury myself in it. I haven't felt happy in a long while. In fact, I haven't been generally happy for the entire year. Maybe I've been too melodramatic. It's time for a change, I guess.

I didn't make a resolution list last year, but I doubt I would have stick to any anyways. &I'm planning my whole speech on 2011 on 31st December. It's going to be long and tortuous.

Meanwhile, 1 week till Christmas holidays. Spending Christmas away from home for the first time. It feels weird. Everyone is going back, while I find my other half of my family waiting for me in London. It's going to be different. The atmosphere, the people, the environment, and I'll probably be spending my holidays mugging really hard for exams in January. The idea of January exams is killing me. I need to pass semester one.

Could you have love more?

2011-11-29T03:04:00.003+08:00

It's been almost 2 months since I've been here. And I honestly haven't been settling down well. I honestly wanted good quality friends, and I'm so glad that I've found them. Dhana, Honwei and Ben. I honestly never met such friends who will take the extra mile for you, constantly looking out for you, giving you the kind of strength you need when you need it. I love them, and I really do. Unfortunately, they aren't in the same year as me. Although I can say no one really understands me the best, but within such short period of time, they actually do make the effort to.

I guess I always wanted to be a better friend. Something that I cannot be to the full extend when I'm in Singapore, due to family restrains that I do not complain about. But when I'm here, with so much freedom, I'm able to do what I always wanted to do as a friend. Being there for friends when they call me at 3am and want to go binge eating or for a stroll at the night. Taking care of them when they are half or fully drunk, making sure they head back for bed sound and safely. Accompanying them whenever they are alone or whenever they need a companion. I wish I could be a better friend though.

Not forgetting, I really miss my shitface Chloe so much. Our love-hate relationship. We've been through so much and yet we're still here today. The amount of quarrels we had will never separate us apart. And also, Harris, who I know will always be there for me and someone who makes me think rationally and make decisions with both my heart and head. He's the one that taught me how to balance both, and for that, thank you for always being able to relate to me.

As much as I'm fine with being alone all the time, but these friends make my day so much better. And I don't want to lose any of them in the near future. :) I hope nothing change, at least in this aspect of life.

A tired mind is better than an inquisitive one.

2011-11-24T01:47:00.004+08:00

22 November 2011
and i won’t forget you, i won’t regret you.
This probably is the hardest goodbye I’ve ever said. To say good bye to someone who you know that still exists but you can’t recognize it. You tell yourself over and over again this is the last good bye, but knowing there can always be a new hello in just a second.

-
Doesn't the night just makes it harder? Especially when you have a old school chinese slow motion song playing in the background of your head. Even though you're completely clueless about the lyrics and what it meant, you're just in the mood for crying. Be it whether how much you hate the singer so bad or the music video being exceptionally illogical, what everything really focus on is the colour blue. If a picture can depict a thousand words, the portrait of a pure ocean sea blue would describe how I'm feeling now. Sounds cliche, but I cannot put it in any better terms.

I can't even give myself reasons for the continuous tears that streams down. Because I could have it all, but I refuse so. I can't believe how messed up I am right now. I can't believe how I don't really know what I want anymore. I don't even know if I should bother moving on, or even try to make the days easier to get by.

Maybe this is just me. Not wanting anything or wanting everything or both at the same time. Maybe this is just me, my personality. Where I've no voice for my own, where I don't have an opinion for my own, where I'm constantly hiding behind other's shadows. But most importantly, where I feel comfortable. How? How can everyone be fighting to fight for that light, while I'm struggling to fight for the darkness? How can fighting for darkness even be a struggle?

I'm writing off my head. Maybe it isn't do much of any help. It isn't, at all.

And the sudden realization of it being the twentyfourth again. How long has it been? Or can I safely say could have been? Of nineteen months..

ne m'oubliez pas

2011-11-22T08:34:00.000+08:00

twentyfourfour to twentyeleven twentyeleven.

It has to end. It's my fault for swaying away. I didn't know that I would be the one putting the end to all these. The one that has to reflect upon her own actions and find back herself. The one who suddenly lost everything to her and she feels nothing.

I suddenly miss you, even though we barely even talk nowadays. I miss you having to know you're around me. And it has only been a day, but I can't ask you back. Not now, at least. I need to be fair to myself, to you, to us. I can't act upon how I feel, but how my brains will perceive it to be.

So many days I've been waiting to be sleeping in your arms, but when the opportunity arises, I threw it away. Everything suddenly felt different, and probably somehow I need to lose you before I can feel again.

I know somewhere in me, there's still you. I hope. Till then, goodbye.

Self uncertainty.

2011-11-16T08:34:00.001+08:00

Maybe this has always been the flaw in me. Saying something with great determination in the beginning, only realizing that it lasts for that few minutes.

It's like every time I'm so certain about something, and suddenly everything just disintegrates. And I'm just left here, trying to grasp of what is left. It's like I created, broke it and, finally, to cleaning up the mess myself.

What's worse is that maybe I'm just like this. Maybe I can't change who I am anymore. Maybe I just have to deal with all these broken pieces. Maybe I just need to get used to it. Get used to myself. Where's the logic in all these?

I'm not an alcoholic, but tequila would be good.

Hesitations with no endings.

2011-11-13T12:21:00.000+08:00

Just when I thought that I'm certain about my decision. I suddenly feel so afraid of making the wrong decision. I'm so afraid of the probabilities of having to regret something, that I ended up not making a decision at all.

I'm almost nearing step one, again. How am I ever going to move on?

In search of Cluelessness.

2011-11-12T01:11:00.001+08:00

I wish there were distinct rights from wrongs. I wish there were exact steps to life to follow. I wish I knew where I screwed up. I wish I had more materials than what is just given to me. I wish I could just restart the experiment all again. I don't want to keep settling for anomalous results and just constantly admit. I want results, proper ones. I don't want to keep having to search for explanation but to start explaining trends of true results.

I'm giving it all up. Because this just isn't right. I can't even bring myself to say I've regretted it. But instead, I wanted to know how you're feeling.

Suddenly waking up to day and asking yourself who am I. And the worse thing is you can't even find an answer to it. You try deciphering out yourself and you realize you can't even see the puzzle. You're frustrated because it's somewhere embedded in the back of your memories. Then again, maybe the person you once knew changed. And you can't even find a start to it.

What happened to me? I wish I could say I would like to drink it off now. But alcohol has been the roots to all my problems. It feels as though the tree has been already living for a hundred years. Too stubborn to move an inch and too selfish and taking up nutrients for its own survival.

Probably a hot chocolate in the cold dark night at the balcony sounds like a perfect idea for tears.

Unravel this ball of emotions for me.

2011-11-09T07:28:00.000+08:00

Is this me not feeling anymore? I'm so used to numbing myself and accepting all the pain that I no longer can distinguish what's true and what's not anymore. I'm scared of making the wrong decision. Decision of actually letting you go. Decision of labeling our relationship to be officially unstable.

Why have the tables turned so drastically?

First of November

2011-11-01T19:09:00.001+08:00

I need to finally feel happy again within all the midst of agony, pain, bewilderment and miserableness of 2011. Second last chance for the redemption of 2011. I need to feel happy again. I need to.

No point for regrets. Just push on.

Judgemental

2011-10-23T00:47:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I wish we weren't all humans. That we can never share the same kind of human instinct everyone have. That no matter how tiny things are people will always judge you. Therefore it's gets so difficult not to be fake and somehow I can understand the people who puts on strong fake masks.

Am I really who they perceive me to be? This is really who am I?

Reminders.

2011-10-20T21:34:00.001+08:00

Freak, I haven't been this pissed forever. Nobody understands. It's not because I failed a simple test. It's bigger than that. It's so much bigger than that..

Reflects how everything I have now was just pure luck. It reflects how my year haven't been going well at all. And I told myself I wanted a new start in a new environment. I thought things changed for a bit. I guess it hasn't. I guess there's still something deeper than all these. I don't know what else to hope for anymore.

I just it just seriously reflects how I big failure I am. I don't know why the idea of failure just keeps coming back. I don't know how many times I must be reminded by this.

I guess when it hits you, it really does hits you hard. It feels like everything have just been a false hope. Nobody understands why I'm crying my guts out. Simply because they are not me. I'm no perfectionist, but I want something to go right. I want my life to be pointing in a forward direction and not backwards or worse, to nothing at all.

I'm going to fail card signing. Somehow, I just really need to buck up.

I'm not me.

2011-10-16T22:35:00.000+08:00

They are getting the whole picture wrong. They are accepting me for who I am not. Why can't they just see who I am? It's not my fault for their blurred perception of me. I've always been who I am, but they just don't see it.

Or do I just don't know who am I?

I don't want to feel afraid anymore.

2011-10-06T23:38:00.006+08:00

I want to tell you how much I love you. In a way it doesn't seem too big to handle, in a way it doesn't seem too small to be cast aside, in a way it doesn't seem like a total joke, in a way it doesn't seem like it's just another bundle of words together. But I don't know how to. How to tell you I love you in the way I would want it to come out. I want to see the anticipation from your face before I can even say these words out. I want to see the smile slowly emerging out from that little face of yours. I want to feel the butterflies in your stomach. I want to know you feel the same way too.

Sometimes I feel "I love you" is too short a phrase for all that to be evident.

Make this promise and sew it to your heart.

2011-10-05T17:33:00.002+08:00

Why is it we keep running back to each other? Why is it we just refuse to let each other go? Despite the fact we are often so hard on each other, always end up bickering after 10 short sentences. I wish I was who I was before. Someone who you can actually speak your mind in front of me and we can go on and on on a certain topic. When did I get so horrible at being reasonable? Also, when did you get so horrible at being sweet and nice to me? Why do I always feel so dreadful to talk to you, but yet I miss you so much when you're not around? Everything have turned so bittersweet. I love you, and sometimes all I ever want is you curbing my insecurities with just three words. Don't say it as passing words, don't say it with no emotions to it, don't say it to break the silence. Don't say it when you never mean it..

Nevertheless, university life have finally started. It's been only into one and a half week of school and there's already so much to study about. I need to get on to the right pace before I lose the pack. Life's been lonely here, but I should be going on fine with it. Nothing can kill me anymore. Nothing will.

It's too late to cry.

2011-10-01T12:07:00.004+08:00

I miss you. And it's a brand new October in a new year. And I honestly wish everything could be back to where they are one year ago. Where we held so much doubts in our hands but yet had so much faith in our future. I know I keep dwelling in the past and how I always want it back. But I'm actually looking forward more, to see how we can actually (or not) make it through. I miss you. And I wish I never have to deal with such pain ever again. At least, not from you.

Someone was talking to me how commitment was such a big problem in relationships. Committing their time, care and love for someone else after being already so exhausted by everything else. And I can only say, it has never been the case between us because we can not talk for days and always not knowing what the other party is doing at that very moment. Then my friend asked, "It seems like you guys trust each other so much." And I was honestly dumbfounded. I was lost for words and I desperately trying to grasp for something, anything, to say.

I want to stop hardening up. I want to feel something. I don't want to feel like nothing matters anymore. Pinch me, someone. If worse, punch me.

And I hope I'm sufficient.

Only the last one standing continues.

2011-09-29T05:00:00.000+08:00

I'm frightened.
Frightened by the things I could do.
By the things that I might do.
I might end up giving it all up.
Giving it all up which I once sacrificed for.
Sacrificed for you.
You.

&Only the last one standing continues.

Cause you are my heaven.

2011-09-21T23:12:00.003+08:00

Listening to: A drop in the ocean by Ron Pope

How sometimes we all wish there's a love out there that is so strong, unbreakable, and everlasting. No matter how far apart we will be, there's this invisible line of love holding us together. So tightly. Invisible yet almost touchable.

Now right here, unable to hear the soft breathing sounds through the breaking dawn of your time. I, somehow, wish you're missing me. I, somehow, wish you love me with all your heart. I, somehow, wish I could teleport for just a second would do. A second to see you sleeping peacefully, A second to just almost touch you. A second just enough to brush your hair. A second to smile while seeing you. An infinite second, would do.

"I love you, Stefan. Hold on to that. Never let that go." - Vampire Diaries Season 3, Episode 1

Yet most of the times, I feel inadequate in showing you how immensely I love you. If there's anything to regret, is that I regret not showing you how much I really love you. :'( I wish you could hold on to me forever. I wish you would want to..

An infinite second, I ask.

Majority to minority.

2011-09-18T23:04:00.001+08:00

Haven't blog in weeks now. Blogging haven't been really coming into my mind lately, but I guess it is also a way to kill time so I can get over the jet lag. Oh, about that. I'm in the lands of the Scottish now. Things been pretty confusing actually. The sudden change of plans of everything, the rush, the madness, the problems faced and etc.

So much have happened over the past few weeks. Honestly, too much.

Right now, I'm just being floaty with my emotions. Been trying to throw it as far as I could and run as quick as I can before it catches me back. Till, I guess, I finally settle down myself in Ireland - alone. Being alone doesn't really scares me, I guess. It's more of a want-to now.

Recently I've been so detached with my emotions. I'm good keeping it that way. Promise to blog more about everything when I've finally settled down with school.

First senses from darkness.

2011-08-30T23:58:00.004+08:00

I keep having these dreams. Nightmares, in fact, that make me cry instantaneously when I open my eyes. That disallow me to open my eyes until the end. No matter how hard I try to pull myself back to reality, I couldn't. And yet when I'm back at reality, pulled backed by someone else, I stone and am out of reality. I can't relate to anything around me.

It doesn't matter how early it was. It doesn't matter how my eyes are in transition of complete darkness to glaring lights. It doesn't matter who was shouting into my ears. I couldn't feel, hear, smell anything. The only thing I felt was one emotion - Sadness. I felt like crying, I really do.

At least that's how my morning started out to be. Took me awhile, before I could come back to this world.

Are dreams really what you want subconsciously? I feel I rather off be dead. Honestly. They say crying before sleeping will have you a good sleep. And I wish I could cry myself to sleep every night than to have these dreams again..

To wake up from a nightmare that you remember.

2011-08-22T01:19:00.002+08:00

At this page for almost 5 minutes now, and it is so difficult to have a start somewhere. It's not coming out right. If this was a book where I was using a pen, I would literally tear off about 5 pages of random phrases.

I dreamt of them last night. Both him and her. Together in the same dream. I woke up so mad at myself for having my unconscious side of me placing them together. I can't believe how disgustingly petty I am, but it's a feeling that I can't control. I also woke up feeling like so vexed because knowing the last time I dreamt of both of them together was the time my life is practically like a rolling snowball down the mountains. At each step of the way, the pace increases and it just gets bigger. Unsure of its final rest.

The dream itself was a dejavu - it was the first of april all over again. Only this time, you chose her instead. Only this time, you were shouting your head out at me and pointing out every flaw I knew I had. The worthlessness and helplessness. It felt so real that I could almost feel it. And of course, like any other nightmare, you plunge yourself back into reality and into pure darkness of the night. Giving the sigh of relief that it was only a dream and getting back into another dream.

It has been almost 24 hours have passed since that dream, and I'm here trying to predict how things would turned out to be. Is grass really greener on the other side? Whether or not I would move on as quickly as he does? And comparing both, did I make the right decision? Of staying.

It was also since the first dream I dreamt about both of them together, I had my insecurities engulfing me. I honestly hope this will not be the case this time around. Or else, I would rather not sleep anymore. Reality scares me, don't make sleeps too.

Mummy says if you have a nightmare and you wake up from it. Immediately spit beside your bed side so it wouldn't happen. I guess I didn't do it before. Now I will.

Take my heart and run.

2011-08-19T01:08:00.001+08:00

Tears are for babies. That's what they always say. I always turn to tears in any situation I couldn't control. I was, then, a big baby which many of them made fun of. Maybe I still am.

One night, I felt the same way every other time I came across something I'm incapable of handling. But that night, I had no tears. At all. Only the thoughts were keeping me away and accompanying the ticking of the clocks. I didn't felt like crying, for once. And for once, I told myself that I was finally growing up.

Till I realize the only reason I didn't cry it was because I'm getting used to it. I'm feeling nothing.

Tonight, I'm crying my heart out because I'm scared. Scared of who I'll become. It doesn't matter if I'm still a baby. It matters if I still feel a thing.

Failure to dodge for the bullet.

2011-08-15T23:45:00.001+08:00

Why stay awake when reality is a nightmare itself? Indulgence in eternal sleep.

I stop turning to tears instead I turned misery into anger. That's the best I could do. I guess that's why they ain't here.

I guess I've always been this pessimistic about life. Yet nobody have seem to prove me wrong. There's always a price to pay for anything. And I learned, so does happiness. The best thing I never had.

I don't wish to feel anything anymore. I rather be just something, not someone. At least actions against me will be justified. I think I got to the point, even by losing everything, it's nothing. I want nothing at all. I want to have nothing to lose anymore. I'm tired of pulling myself together and drag my legs through the seconds of each day. I'm tired of giving explanation to people. I don't mind losing all of you. I really don't mind anymore. Isolation.

I don't wish to be happy no longer. Can I not be happy anymore? Or am I never happy to begin with?

I always knew where the exit door was. Then, there was you - the barrier. Now, there still you - the sign.

All the things I could do, I can't.

2011-08-11T00:48:00.001+08:00

I can't tell the world I'm happy, because my happiness is bringing more than one person down.

Simple things like posting a heart on your wall, putting photos of us together as a profile picture, telling everyone the amazing times we had together, wishing you happy anniversary/monthsary.

Everything I could do before, I can't anymore. Or at least, I dare not. It's like I'm already doomed to live with misery and sadness. I can't love you like the way I used to.

Watch me burn.

2011-08-08T22:33:00.000+08:00

That maybe happiness is something that we can only pursue and maybe we can actually never have it. No matter what. - The Pursuit of Happyness

I think I've came to hate birthdays. Something so over rated and yet something that have scarred me so much.

Fears. Only if I knew how to face up to it, my imagination would not run wild. And if only my fears weren't true..

Last move.

2011-08-03T23:22:00.000+08:00

It's officially August already. Leaving for Scotland in just 1.5months. Honestly, the time I have left in Singapore is just too little, but yet I find myself wanting time to past faster.

I feel it's a need to get out from this place, start a new life somewhere else, and hope and pray I won't be another loser at school. I hope to find better friends.

On a good note, my boyfriend is coming down tomorrow. And I'm so excited and happy.

My birthday is officially arriving in 3 days. Everyone doesn't really seem to care, or at least the people whom I thought would. Everyone busy with my grandfather's 80th birthday, which happens to fall on my birthday. And having to celebrate with his cake during dinner. I don't know why I'm pretty much upset, but I shouldn't. I honestly, don't care much about birthdays, especially mine. I don't know why I'm just moodless for this occasion.

Maybe all I want for my birthday is for things to go back to where it first begun. When I knew I had everything I want them to be..

Can I start a new life somewhere else?

2011-07-30T22:56:00.001+08:00

It's exactly a week to my nineteenth birthday, but I feel dreadful of this day.

Just the past few days, I've already been unwrapping presents in my head, revealing why the true reason of good kind acts that have been befalling upon me recently, revealing friends who aren't really friends to begin with, revealing the hard cold truth that I'm still alone till this day.

It's so hard to even choose a seat somewhere in a sea of people. And only to find out my seat was, literally, next to the bin, at that dark little corner. Why, or how, did I get so pathetic? I couldn't think of anyone I can be comfortable with or even close to.

The problem has to be with me, yet I'm blinded to it.

Dance right through the pain.

2011-07-27T22:26:00.000+08:00

I think what really hurts the most that I'm described as one of those people who walk in and out from your life. You know, I've tried. Tried to continue staying. Honestly, I wished I stayed. Then again, after what you've said, I rather not. Maybe going away is right. Maybe not coming back is right. Maybe I don't really have anyone here to hold on to anymore. It's such a pity, the people whom I think I'll miss aren't the people who are once or still close to me.

I think what really is saddening is that we all know we will get by no matter what and all it needs is time. It makes things lose its significance and that we don't really cherish anything anymore. Because at the end of the day, we know we will move on.

I never was disappointed in you till today. And from right this moment, I don't wish to cherish your friendship anymore. I should have been nothing since the beginning. I don't know how you do that. Just burning bridges like they never have been built. And you know what, I will forget.

Make me love with no guilt.

2011-07-27T00:58:00.002+08:00

Nothing is faster than the speed of thought. I can look at anything and think of you. - iwrotethisforyou

I forgot how happiness felt like. Gaining happiness itself is selfish. I forgot how happiness tasted like. I don't even have the ability to feel happy anymore.

With knowing someone's else happiness is sacrificed for mine. Bitterness is all I taste. How do I love with no guilt to bare?

Nevertheless, thank you for choosing me. I needed that.

Reminiscing loneliness.

2011-07-25T03:45:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I miss my old self.

The one who gets away with valentine's not even desperate to spend it when anyone. The one who gets away being alone on her birthdays while the rests are with their couples. The one who gets away being un-partnered for any family events when everyone is together. The one who gets away with zero messages and zero miss calls everyday, while the rest are constantly harping tones away. The one who gets away with less-than-10-seconds-conversations online. The one who sits alone in the middle of the crowded canteen while everyone was holding hands under the table. The one who people only come to talk to when they didn't have a table during breaks.

I was lonely, sad and often feeling pathetic about myself. But at least I was sad for myself instead of others. Also, then I knew I was independent and no one could break my heart.

It is only at this time of the day or night, in which I can feel my old self returning. In which, I'm alone, with silence and nothing else. With no conversations to start or continue, with no texts to reply or read, with nothing to do. I just stare blankly at the screen with an empty head. I feel a sense of solitude. But this is what I want.

Peace in nothing.

2011-07-25T01:00:00.000+08:00

Young love murder, that is what this must be. - Kesha, The Harold Song

I came here dumbfounded. Knowing nothing to say. Maybe I've got nothing to say. Maybe there's nothing to say. But I know I must do something. And that something is this.

A sky full of lighters.

2011-07-21T22:48:00.000+08:00

My head is literally throbbing. It's like my brains want to detach itself out from my skull and whole body. I honestly think this is what too much thinking brings me. It always happen, always.

Last night, before I crumple into deep sleep, I thought about so many things that I almost thought sleep would never find me. I thought whether I am selfish myself. And somehow, I am, but with absolutely good reasons. Well, at least what I think is good.

In just a few weeks, and it's my nineteenth birthday. A year have passed so quickly. This year exceptionally quicker than the rest. Yet I find myself living in the past. Yet I find myself constantly dwelling in the past, refusing to accept changes that have already happened. I was suppose to grow with maturity, with strength, with courage, instead I grew small and meek.

The repeated question going on and on again. What will become of us? We used to be so certain about our future, whether or not we live on mattresses, or being rich and having a big house, or anything. We used to just enjoy each other companion. Now we expect more from each other. And it feels like whenever we get into a little quarrel, I have to prepare myself two most hurtful word - break up. Really reflects on how both of us could easily just give this up. It takes two hands to clap, so I'm not denying any guilt that grows in me. When will insecurities be finally gone? When will be the day we both find back each other embraced in each other's love again..? Will my love alone be sufficient enough for you?

And I expected you to love me unconditionally from the very first day..

Stop moving on.

2011-07-20T00:38:00.001+08:00

Everyone comes and go. Everyone learn to move on. Everyone mastered it so quickly that I feel like I'm the only one left here trying to gasp that concept. I don't understand what's the motive of them coming into someone's life if all they do is leave. The thought of them ripping something off you when they leave makes you want to close up to everyone. I'm no charity. I'm not someone who donates parts of myself to people who just walk away without turning back.

I feel sad tonight. Because at this midnight, someone close (or used to be) to me is leaving and I'm unsure of when our next meeting will be. In fact, I don't even know how this person perceive me to be. Am I someone who is special? Or just someone just comes and go in his life? I really don't know if he ever realizes how much he meant to me. All the times we crack empty jokes and throw ridiculous comments at each other, I wonder if he remembers. What if we lose contact forever? The fact that the times we spent together, the times I poured out my heart to him at 3am and then forced him to tell me a bedtime story to sleep, the times we just sat down and talk to each other, these times.. all just forgotten?

I don't like how people move on. I don't want to move on. I don't want to forget the many memories I have of many different people. I don't want to just throw them away, thinking they never really existed, but in fact they do.

So everyone. Just stop moving on. Just halt at your next step. Don't forget. Don't forget all the pain and hurt someone have brought to you. These are memories, perfect ones, even though it really doesn't seem like it. Don't throw them away. Keep them and never move on. Cause I won't too..

The continuous plunge.

2011-07-14T22:58:00.000+08:00

I seriously thought found the minimum point. I seriously thought I found it. It turns out just all to be an idea, a dream, a non-existent happening.

I think that's the worst feeling. To think you actually possess something and you can't even describe it as a lost when it's gone. Right now, I'm feeling that way.

I don't really know what I should do. Everything is going down hill. Just everything..

Stop hitting repeat.

2011-07-12T23:27:00.002+08:00

Maybe things have not decided to turn around. I thought an offer from a uni was an indication. But I was wrong again. Maybe I expected too much from life, from people, from myself.

Went back to ACS International territory today and met up with a few teachers. Especially Cheryl Seah. Really like her as a teacher and a friend, cause she's pretty and friendly. But that's besides the point. The point is that when she asked "so who is with Joel huh?" I honestly wasn't surprised or anything like that, ever since I know Mdm Phua's daughter is Joel's good friend. I just got dumbfounded when she said, "Don't worry la, Joel is a nice guy." I don't know actually what to say.

Just today alone, I've been hearing so many people having their opinions on long distance relationship and how it will never work. It's difficult not to believe it as I undergo it myself, however I don't believe. I don't believe how people stereotype things. I have faith. I hope to have faith. Been hearing too many relationships having cheating-on-another problems. Been hearing all of them making the same movement of letting it go and move on. Been hearing all of them saying they don't deserve a second chance. Been hearing too many. And yet, I can't make a decision.

Maybe he is a nice and good friend. Probably too nice. But I guess the number of times he shredded my heart into pieces, I cannot see him the same way anymore. But then again, deep down inside, I know he's nice. I know somewhere, just somewhere, there's still something left behind.

I know my heart wants you. I know it will just keep choosing you. But maybe it's time to just pause for a moment and think. And I think I've been thinking too much. And finally coming up with a decision..

I don't want to be regretting this, even though I never believe in regrets.

What does the heart wants?

2011-07-11T01:09:00.000+08:00

Each condemning line has paired with each reason to it. Each perfectly good reason has a weakness to it.

I don't know when I can finally accept everything. But if you ask me to fight on, I will.

I wonder whether if there's any single impact on you whenever someone speaks about how much disrespect someone could have for another on the topic of cheating. Like how Ben talks about the situation of Alison, Ian and Patrick. I wonder if you ever even feel a tinch of guilt inside you. Does the guilt ever engulf you? Because somehow, I keep reflecting on myself, on us, on you. I often take glances at your face, but can never read through your mind. Maybe your mind is as blank as your face, or maybe you are good at pretending.

Funny how there's never awkwardness between you and her, even all that have happen. But when I bring up the idea of us splitting up, you completely will abandon this friendship/relationship between us due to awkwardness. I can't help comparing.

I need time. A lot of time just to mull over. What does the heart really wants?

Wasn't good enough for a sacrifice.

2011-07-03T23:52:00.000+08:00

I'm sorry. Even though that fixes nothing. - Unknown

How do I come to this conclusion. This conclusion in which my heart refuses to go ahead with it. That my mouth won't even speak the words of it. Because I can't. I can't do it, I can't bear to do it. And yet it feels like there's a knife pointed to my throat ready to take the slash, ready for me to bleed dry.

&Yes, it's my fault for giving up first. My fault for not fighting for us anymore. My fault for not moving on and constantly bringing up the past. My fault for being too insecured all the time. My fault for even agreeing to a start of this relationship. Destroyed something perfect to be. I wasn't worth the perfection of a relationship. I just wasn't.

I offered you my heart. I offered you my trust. I offered everything I could possibly give. There's just nothing let to offer you anymore. I'm just a used toy and it's probably time to move on. Be recycled, if possible.

I need to stop crawling back to you. I need to put across this message that my love for you isn't a toy to begin with. It isn't a game for you to play with. I'm not someone who is available to you as and when you want me to.

You're independent yourself. Probably too independent for someone dependent like me. I've always been a burden to you. Time to spread your wings and fly solo.. Joel. You're free from me now..

The point of no regret.

2011-07-02T18:16:00.000+08:00

I think I got to the point in which I must just reconsider everything.

One sentence can only explain how I feel right now:

There's too much to lose, yet too little to hold on.

I never expected this love to be a game.

2011-07-01T20:09:00.000+08:00

It's the first again. First of the month..

Currently in Malaysia. Decided to come down and surprise my boyfriend as he came back from UK. As always, I expected too much. Always wanting something more. Always not satisfied of everything I have.

I don't know how to be continuously happy when everything is so uncertain. That suddenly one day, in just minutes, we will fall apart and ignore each other existence from then. I don't know how to be even prepared for that kind of torture.

How do I differentiate reality and denial?

Am I thinking too far? I don't know how not to be afraid. I don't know how not to stop trying to predict the future. I don't know how to just live day by day.

Am I asking too much?

My heart is so jet lagged.

2011-06-24T14:00:00.001+08:00

You say good morning when it's midnight

Going out of my head alone in this bed

I wake up to your sunset, it's driving me mad

I miss you so bad and my heart, heart, heart is so jet lagged.

I miss you so bad
I wanna share your horizon
And see the same sun rising
Turn the hour back to
When you are holding me.

Simple Plan, Jet Lag

Numbers that spoke more than just words.

2011-06-24T00:31:00.000+08:00

and I was looking at the old photographs, I started thinking that there was a time when these weren't memories. - The perks of being a wallflower, Stephen Chbosky

I'm just scrolling through a bunch of old photographs of us and I miss us. I want to tell everyone long distance relationship actually works, I want to tell everyone how even though I only get to see him once in every 4 months or more it's okay, I want to tell everyone our love is bigger than just physical needs, I want to tell everyone that we have done so well for the past 14 months.

You have been the longest boyfriend I've been with for so long, even though 14 months is a short period of time. Also, and most definitely, the boy that I honestly love and care so much for. But you also have been the boy that I spend the least time with. The boy, for that every few weeks, broke my heart into more than just pieces. They were dust. Crushed and pounded into dust. Nevertheless, every speck of dust still decides to love you.

I miss you. And it's the twentyfourth once again. How many twentyfourth's have we spent together? I can clearly remember. One, the day we got together. Two, when I came to Coventry to see you. And that's about it. twentyfourth doesn't mean anything. It's simply just a number, a number to signify where is the start of us. But why is it I'm feeling so more lonely on this day. I stay up till 12am, hoping you'll just stop and call for a minute. But I guess I expected too much. I miss you, and I know you're having fun in Ireland. Give and take, you say. But still, I refuse to believe you compromised me.

Summer is coming or here, and you're going back home. Home where it isn't even my home. One hand, I should be elated. On another, I'm just feeling nothing. And I completely understand when they say family before anything else, and I honestly respect that. Guess what? I love you too much that I want you all for myself. That I'm selfish. That I'm that protective over you. But I can't help it. And so often, I kept reminding myself to let loose, let loose of you.

Happy fourteen months, baby. I hope you my echo crosses the seas and lands and to you.

Roller coaster rides.

2011-06-20T01:19:00.001+08:00

The first ride we had, I saw the lights from the end of the tunnel approaching and I worry it was the end of a fantastic ride. Once the bars were off, you pulled me by the hand and requested me to stay for a second. I was more than thrilled to.

The second ride we had, we had the same vision but nevertheless it was fun. And each time we approach the lights from the end of the tunnel, we embrace ourselves for the final stop. I couldn't remember how many times I pulled you to stay for another or vice versa. Sometimes we even got off and re-queued.

This ride, we took too many times, too many familiar scenes. We stepped up the challenge by guessing in detail which bend will the ride take at every second. We ended up quarreling at each second of the way, only trying to prove each other wrong as the ride proceeded.

It's sooner or later, when we finally memorize each bend, each downwards slide, each darkness we will be exposed to, the game is over. There will be no more butterflies in our tummies, there will no more be heart dropping adrenalines, there will no more be an excitement. Only plain predictable rides.

It's finally time to change ride. And I hope you'll be there to hold my hand and experience it with me.

To remove all contents in it.

2011-06-16T22:49:00.002+08:00

I should have been first choice. I should have been first choice without any hesitations. I should have always been the one.

But I'm not.

I'm trying to find my place in everyone's life. But it keeps bringing back to nothing. But how can this possibly be? After almost nineteen years of my life, I definitely got to be somewhere.

I'm inadequate in almost every aspect I could possibly think of. There ought to be a balance. There's pros and cons to everything and everyone. But where's mine? Why do I feel like I've already hit bottom pit on one end. My body slanted to one side. And it's so impossible to release any weight or add weight on the other end to make things even.

I knew I was never ready for after eighteen. Never ready for all these responsibilities, all these decisions I have to make, all these.. I grew up too fast for my own. What does 'ok' means anymore? The feeling of emptiness? Or the feeling of satisfaction? There's so many questions that can come with answers, but first question to be answered is whether I'm ready for the answers.

Sometimes feeling nothing is better than feeling anything. Because sometimes it isn't worth feeling something.

Temporary diversion.

2011-06-15T02:58:00.002+08:00

I don't know what I should be feeling. I haven't had time to figure it out. Maybe I don't want to. Maybe I'm afraid to. But I can't stay in this mass of emotions.

If you ask me whether I love you. I'll reply with no doubt and hesitation. A yes.

If you ask me whether I would want to let you go. I'll reply a no.

If you ask me whether you made me the happiest. I'll reply a yes.

If you ask me whether you made me the saddest. I'll reply a yes.

If you ask me whether it is worth it. I'll find no answer.

Happiness and sadness comes hand in hand. And right now, I'm not sure who is winning. But if you let me go, I'll definitely know sadness will win in the future. And often it is accompanied with regret.

The words you use against me. I never felt Hate was a harsh word until that very night. It was worse than having a heart broken. It was worse than having your hands cut from each piece of glass you pick up. Nothing was more tormenting.

When words don't find me. It doesn't mean my mind stop functioning. What is the right and wrong way to act? I can no longer distinguish between them. Where is the line to define all these. Where does reasonability stands. Am I even ok?

Am I even still worth anything?

Last goodbye.

2011-06-11T23:51:00.000+08:00

Sometimes it last in love, sometimes it hurts instead. - Adele, Someone like you

Because you stop choosing me, I should stop choosing you over me.
I'm not fighting for someone who doesn't feel I'm worth fighting for.
If this is your last goodbye, this shall be mine too.

Goodnight. I've had enough. In fact, more than enough.

Half-awake dreams in the early morning rain.

2011-06-07T13:47:00.001+08:00

-
It's like any other normal day. The sun is out and the clouds are hovering over it. A great day for a sports competition, and indeed there is one holding now. I am angry by the fact that I didn't bring the right attire, to be specific, shorts. Frustrated by the lack of comfort I am expecting to get. I was walking by the pillars when, suddenly, a swamp of people came sweeping through the building. On their hands are weapons - deadly ones. Is this just practice? Suddenly, someone pulls me by the arm and drags me away. Voice shrieking "get him! Get him!" empowering the area. I don't know if I should be panicking, but I am not. I was being dragged away like a balloon. The string first then the actual balloon itself. Simply just floating along in the air as he drags me along. My eyes set behind, there are probably about 15 people tracing me behind with quick footsteps. I didn't know where we are heading or, even, who this guy is. As soon as I try to gasp this entire situation, we are at the cross streets with dashing cars coming from both sides. He's going for the other end. He got to be crazy, and there's no way I'm going to do that and get killed. Wriggling my arm away from his hand, I stand before the road while he couldn't care less and made the run. My eyes trailing him as I saw him being knock, just as I expected. Dumbfool. The swamp of people have finally caught up to me and I turn to them with great curiosity. Before I can say anything, they grab me by the arm. What's wrong with people and my arm? This time, 2 people, I suppose the commander and his son?, lift me up and brought be across the road. What's this for now?!

They kept insisting I killed him, but I didn't! He was the crazy one, he dashed across himself! And where on earth did he go? His corpse wasn't lying motionless on the floor like I expected, he's gone! How on earth could they declare him dead when he's gone! The man with the ugly green suit push me against the wall, and I'm just stuck no matter how hard I struggle. He definitely had more strength than the previous guy. These people are all crazy! But somehow, the repetition of murder got into me, and a tinch of guilt creeps in. I need to make my escape, as soon as I find one. I stopped struggling. Just saving all my energy that I've left for the finale run. And as soon as I did, his force was taken back too. There it is! An opportunity! I see an escape! NOW! I run as fast as I could without a goal or direction. Now I'm thinking I must be crazy. I don't even have a plan! I'm breathless and I need to stop somewhere. I take a left turn around the pillar ahead. Just when I thought I lost him and could finally catch a breath, I ran right into his nose. Indeed I catch a breath, and meanwhile catch him too as a bonus. He points the gun to my head. Oh, now I'm panicking. My heart is racing. I blurt "don't kill me, I'll do anything". I guess that was the only smart thing to say. My life is definitely worth more than anything, right? Then he gave that smirk, that smirk of evilness.. Then I knew I've said the wrong things and wish it could be retracted.

Days got by and I'm trapped here. Only having a bird-eye view on my own funeral, when I'm here. It's like I'm already dead and in heaven. A bird-eye view to everything. At least that's what I expect about life after death. Only now, I'm not dead yet. I'm enslaved to these 2 man. I honestly don't know how they prove my death. I feel so disconnected with the world. Where's the quality and value of life when no one recognize your existence?

I think it have been months that have passed, and I'm finally beginning to get some fresh air with chained legs. Somehow it felt as though I'm having 2 body guards at all time. Then this day came, when I finally met people whom I know. The day that I've been waiting for. Some justice. We were sitting around the table and that's when they popped by. But my head just got pushed under it. And we had to make a move. Someone just look at me. And she did. She did! But she didn't recognize me. I, again, was dragged away. Confused of what have just happened. Did everyone just moved on like that? Not even a single memory or photo or of any kind of recollection being left behind. How could they? Just how could they?
-

No faces was remembered. Only the sequence of events.

Nothing does make sense. Especially half-awake dreams in the early morning rain.

All-time favourite.

2011-05-31T06:17:00.000+08:00

I can't remember the last time I head down to Malaysia without seeing you. I can't remember the previous time I came down without sleeping beside you. The anticipation I had in me each time I cross the boarders. The anticipation that held in me for 4-5 hours each time. And it was still there, but knowing I had to disappoint it this time.

Remembering the last trip I came down, it was December. Then, my mum was still crazy over feng shui. I gave the book a slight respect as well to my mum and gave it a little scan. I didn't believe in all these, but knowing that I'll have a good year ahead, in both studies and financial, somehow gave me a little reassurance. But none of that came true. Now, I'm here on the road cursing to that author whom my parents believed wholehearted and a little tinch of pity arouse towards them, knowing that they will be disappointed by their all-time favourite.

For the first time, I had the front seat to myself. I had the clear view of the scenery, although there weren't much. I even let my mind to run as fast as the car did. There were fighting people in my mind, all the time. Both throwing punches at each other, both determined to kill one another. Only realizing that I'm the only one feeling its consequences of each flippant thrown punch. I felt I was choking, felt each thud, felt each inflicted pain. This is where I knew it ran too far off, and I immediately cut it off by fixing my eyes to my book. Twenties girl by my all-time favourite author, Sophia Kinsella.

"Why should I give up?" My words fly out on a swell of protest. "Why does everyone keep telling me to give up? What's wrong with sticking to one single goal? In eery other area of life, perseverance is encouraged! It's rewarded! I mean, they didn't tell Edison to give up on lightbulbs, did they? They didn't tell Scott to forget about the South pole! They didn't say "Never mind, Scotty, there are plenty more snowy wastes out there." He kept trying. He refuses to give up, however hard it got. And he made it!"

I'm really sorry. My all-time favourite phrase, yet very much underrated.

Extorting emotions.

2011-05-25T01:14:00.002+08:00

There's a reason I said I'de be happy alone. It wasn't because I thought I'd be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It's easier to be alone, because what if you learn that you need love and you don't have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It's like dying. The only difference is death ends. This? It could go on forever. - Meredith, Grey's Anatomy.

There comes a point where you're unsure if you're strong enough. They say "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger". What if it didn't kill me, but left me crippled. What if the phobia of opening up consume me. I want to believe that I'm stronger, but I don't show it and it's so hard to believe.

Answering daily questions of how am I doesn't seem to be an easy task anymore. I wouldn't even know what I should be replying. I'm not great, I'm not pit bottom, but neither am I okay or am I not okay. I see the hours and days pass by me like there's no more significance in it. And wow, it's coming to the sixth month now. Half a year have just passed by me without concerning to much about it.

Progress is all I need.

The more I try the less is working

2011-05-20T23:48:00.002+08:00

Give your hearts, but not in each other's keepings. - Khalil Gibran

Staring at the blank wall as my emotions drown my words. Fishing the words out one by one, just with pure patience. Afraid to move as each movement leads to bigger consequences. The magnitude so big that I'm unsure of handling it. Not only handling it, but handling it right. And yet standing right here isn't going to be of any help.

I don't want to force myself to unlove you, if that is even possible. I want to love you and continue loving you forever. I really love you and refuse to let go. I just refuse because I want you so badly for myself. How did I deteriorate this fast, this desperate, this?

So many walls I can't break through.

2011-05-18T23:03:00.000+08:00

Please don't be in love with someone else. Please don't have somebody waiting on you. - Enchanted, Taylor Swift

I'm finally done with exams. And I don't know if this abundance of time is good or bad. A time for reflection, or thoughts too far away, again. Keeping myself occupied with series and a rekindled love for tetris.

Sometimes I don't even know what I'm feeling. It feels like there's an electric impulse in me being broken down. Somewhere in me, which isn't letting the heart nor brain know what is this. Just soft and weak pulses triggering something and yet not being triggered. The sensation of a touch yet it wasn't a touch. I'm frustrated. Frustrated with the lack of emotions I'm suppose to be feeling.

I have this big crave for buying one damn hot heels, but I don't even know where to begin searching for it. And knowing my financial crisis now, it seems impossible.

You can stay in it.

2011-05-15T01:22:00.000+08:00

"Just because the shoes fit, doesn't mean you want to wear it." - Gossip Girl

I just finally wish the bad things come to an end. Like just finally. I wish I'm meeting at this wall in front of me, and turning to my right just the exit sign. It's been really just long enough to be walking alone through the trails of darkness, deception, lies, hurts, failures and many more. The whole time just trying to be numbed towards all these and suppressed emotions and masking faces. I finally see the green sign, well at least I hope it is.

It is better to be bad and get what you deserve or to be good and don't get what you deserve?

I guess in life, all of us just want to feel wanted at some point in time by people who are dear to us. To feel that we, this life, are worth something. Maybe for once, we just don't want to be someone's spare tires, someone's shoulders to cry on, but instead to know we actually do mean something when we're not around them. That for the worse or good that you're constantly going through their minds.

Maybe sometimes, I wish someone stepped into my shoes.

Waking up to dried tear lines.

2011-05-11T02:27:00.001+08:00

I had a dream last night. I was sleeping when, I woke up in the middle of the night and I immediately burst into tears. Questioning myself out loud why did I wake up for. Why did I allow myself to be back in reality. Everyone have moved on, and I'm just still grounded to these grounds. And I wonder where did I go wrong in life, and there were too many to list. I felt life was giving up on me. All I want to do is to go back to sleep and indulge in blank spaces. Then I cried more and shouted "all I want was you being here to comfort me by hugs". Thank goodness my body got tired of crying and plead to my wishes.

Only to wake up in the morning with dried tear lines that last night wasn't a nightmare, it was reality.

This love was worth fighting for, this love was worth a broken heart, this love was worth every tear, this love was worth every pain, this love was worth it. It's just I didn't have anything more to offer. Sorry.

The ice inside your soul.

2011-05-10T23:49:00.001+08:00

I have never been strong enough to stay. People say that walking away is the hardest thing to do, but it isn't. Staying, even when you know it will break your heart, is the hardest thing. Staying right where you are, waiting for your entire world to be ripped into pieces is much harder than walking away and starting a new one. - Anonymous

The busiest days of my current days have ended. The midnight EPL game, last minute studying for 2 major subjects, having 3 papers the next day which starts early in the morning, coming home to just have a little short rest before going for mother's day dinner, back home for RCSI interview and into the late nights again for last minute studying for another paper for the next morning. All these have ended, and it felt there's just slight freedom.

But freedom isn't what I need right now. I want to be occupied, occupied by physical things so the emotions don't sprawl in. I don't know what to do with them. This abundance of emotions is filling me right up, constantly spilling over. Do I just pour them away? Or share them? Or just let it engulf me?

I never felt so lost. Whether I should continue fighting for what I want and live to no regrets, or just try moving on. Right now, trapped between the two. Just suffocating between the two. All I know now is I miss you so much, but you're enjoying so much of your freedom and taking it to your advantage that I'm jealous about.

Just nobody understands. Nobody understands why I can't get to sleep at night. Nobody understands why I can't simply concentrate on something which is obviously more urgent at the current moment. Nobody understands how my mind is currently so disorientated. Break ups were never easy to begin with, but this is exceptionally difficult. Exceptionally difficult to accept, exceptionally difficult to get over.

Sometimes it's easier to pretend to not care than to admit it's killing you. - Anonymous

Solace in dreams and black blanks.

2011-05-08T04:10:00.002+08:00

Going through the day with only moments of numbness and heartaches and tears. My eyes surpasses the Chemistry notes I should be reading, instead I'm reading the air, the wind, the space in front of me. And yet these blank spaces read my mind instead, the constant flashing of memories flooded in. Yet it wasn't the worries that I haven't read through a single bit of Chemistry when exams is on Monday, but the overwhelming emotions that I know I've lost you.

Fighting within myself to stay strong, to act like nothing has happened, to hold back the tears whenever enters the room, to find concentration on academics, to not think about you, to hold back myself from calling or messaging you, to just try not to miss you for a bit.

Weaving in and out on wanting you back. Deciding on whether it is a right decision, trying to make unselfish decision and considering. Seeing you being so conflicted between everything honestly made me side more on to giving up, on relieving this burden for you and maybe pursuing potentially more substantial love in someone else. I hate to see you so stressed up and the last thing I ever wanted you to be stressed about is us.

But what am I still to you? Do you still love me as much for who I am, or simply because I'm this 'perfect-figure'? Would you still be haunted by thoughts of betrayal and guiltless sins or remain faithful without an effort?

Then again, I wished you stepped into my shoes and stop accusing me for being insecure. And that it is or was my insecurities that brought this relationship down. I wished you stepped into my shoes and find it how difficult for me to act according to your demands when you couldn't do to mine. And honestly, I can and will sacrifice the world for you, but only to know you wouldn't do the same. I wished you stepped into my shoes and realize how hurt I am and how conflict my mind is as much as yours too. I wish you could understand how I'm so vulnerable towards you because my heart allows it to be.

Then why couldn't I bring myself to hate you, to detest you, to even try to unlike you for a bit. I never want you as much as anyone else..

Alphabetically arranged digits.

2011-05-06T22:32:00.003+08:00

twenty fourth of april twenty ten to six of may twenty eleven.

Spelt out each single digit, only failing to emphasize the duration between these digits.

Between these alphabetically arranged digits are more than just spaces and its length.

Between these alphabetically arranged digits are more than just school, mother's day, father's day, june holidays, world cup, my birthday, national day, christmas, new years, chinese new years, valentine's day.

Between these alphabetically arranged digits there is also you. Just you alone, there are so many things I could say and even order of alphabets runs out. And only you know the length of this string of events, hoping you'll keep them safe in a, ironically, small compartment within your brain.

Who knows between these alphabetically arranged digits magically can fit so many things.

Love has to be the greatest lie.

2011-05-06T19:44:00.000+08:00

When you walk away, please take Love along with you.

I rather be left bear than to hold on these pieces together.

Revealing of imperfections, denied.

2011-05-05T22:21:00.001+08:00

I'll never know when I'm going to reopen this blog again. Every secret lies between these words, these spaces and sometimes they are just the words itself. I'm afraid people go through my history and found out things about what I dislike about myself. The imperfections of me, even knowing that no one can be perfect. How people will question my actions against somethings or some issues, how people will always try to find something to go against me, how people will take advantage of your weakness.

But on the other hand, I like to write for an audience. Only because it makes me more cautious about the structures and grammar of my writings and it help me to learn and improve from there. In a way, I somehow like how my mind works and thinks at times. Most are honest reflections from certain situations I come across everyday, but most people put it off as it is pessimistic which really annoys me. Anyhow, there is nothing wrong with being pessimistic. Don't understand why people can't get this fact right.

&Sometimes, I like the 'praises' from friends whom you don't even know exist as your readers, even though most of the times I'm very humble about it. &Sometimes, I just get really upset and demoralized when people just shun your writings or make a joke out of it in your face. &Sometimes, I get really jealous and frustrated when I read other's writings and often question myself. I really never thought I would like writing or reading (I haven't progressed to the stage that I'm crazy over books) until Literature came into my life and painted words with a whole different meaning. But again, I know the extend of my abilities and weakness. And the sad thing is writing will never be a part of me.

But what mum says is right. You should never reveal unnecessary information about yourself, especially your feelings. Maybe till months down the road and somehow Strength and Courage manage to find me at that corner, I'll open it up again.

To create or rekindle.

2011-05-04T23:59:00.004+08:00

I never believe in best friends. Or the function of a best friend. Thought they were the ones who will understand you the most and would predict what should or would be the step to take when I'm crying my heart out. I thought they were the ones who know where your secret hiding place is just like in the movies. I thought they were the ones who you can use a shoulder to cry on and they will always be there for you when you need them. I thought they were the ones who knows how to gather strength in you. Thought they were the ones who goes through the ups and downs with you.

Then there's this particular friend whom was once so special to me but unsure about now. The one whom I can remember almost all our memories together. And sometimes it puzzles me and question about my sexually, but always casting it aside knowing I'll never become gay as I love men too much. I guess she was the only friend whom I cried about when I realize I was transferring school. Even though we don't talk things that specifically matters to the heart, but somewhat generalizing it, I miss you a lot when we drifted apart. She's probably the only one who could somewhat understand and rebut me whenever in times of pessimism, and again, even though generalizing it.

I remembered we used to buy my favourite tub of ice cream from the petrol kiosk and walk home just talking almost every other day after school. I remembered keeping your tie pin for weeks just because I wanted to. I remembered pulling your tie every time we cross paths in school. I remembered hiding at the top of the stairs with you and probably some other friends to get away from assembly. I remembered the times we talked on the phone for hours over the midnights - over the sea. I remembered the times you called me XMM and I remembered the times I called you XZZ.

It sounds so silly now calling you the nickname I used to call you after like 4/5 years. All of us grow up and move on. But hey, it's been so long since I've talked to you and get any closer in 4/5 years, it feels like I'm just knowing you all over again hoping you haven't changed. And I hope I'm just one of the friends that you will be inside your boundaries. I guess you probably will never know or understand how this friendship mean so much to me because I never really bother showing it. And I guess, I'll just stick to the time to time messages and rare occasions of meeting up and appreciating them.

But she was never my best friend. She didn't sit through with me the roller coaster, neither did she lent me a shoulder to cry on or even know anything much about my life. She was never the first option to talk to when I'm down.

She was never my best friend, but she was just someone special.

Accepting is getting used to it.

2011-05-03T01:09:00.001+08:00

Strength is nothing more than how well you hide the pain. - Anonymous

"I'm always fucking second best." Today my sort-of-bestfriend complained that to me. I haven't heard this statement in a longest time and it suddenly dawned on me. I'm definitely not the best in anything or in anyone's life. I can't even complain if I'm placed the second, or maybe sometimes it's even too good for me and I should be thankful for that. I don't hold any priority in anyone's lives.

And I should keep reminding myself that. I'm less than second best. And if someone replaces me with something else or someone, I would willingly accept it because I'm nothing and don't deserve anything. I will somehow find happiness in loneliness, if there is a must.

I honestly hate this lying deceiving bitch world. Where's the importance of any existence when every time someone loses something, they just move on as soon as they can. I guess I'm selfish this way.

It was all just a dream, a nightmare.

2011-05-01T23:17:00.000+08:00

Don't tell me you're sorry cause you're not. And baby I know you're only sorry you got caught. - Rihana, Take a Bow

It's a month now. A month since the world seemed to have crashed on me. Somehow through this disaster, I manage to barely survived. Barely taking each step forward each day, even though being so heavily weighed down.

April came and go. The jokes and pranks should be all over now. Everything should be finally returning to its usual place, at least I hope it is. I quitted twitter and plurk because I feel like there is a need to hold in emotions and play the pokerface.

Desperate for a change. Desperate for your love.

I've been California wishing on the stars for your heart on me.

2011-04-30T01:00:00.001+08:00

Am I trying too hard for the wrong things?

Comes a point where everyone just start reprimanding you about every little thing. And there's only so much hits a person can take before he or she finally collapse. And sometimes you wish they will help you instead of reprimanding. What good will it bring out.

I don't need twitter, plurk or even facebook anymore. Who needs to know how I'm feeling when none even try bothering stepping into my shoes. I'm not asking you to fit into my shoes because it's impossible, but sometimes just try. Make the effort, because at the end of the day, it isn't the results that actually counts. Or maybe it really does.

What happen to accepting me as a package, as a whole, the one you signed up for. Maybe everyone is the same, out there just to collect and crush each other hearts one by one. So is it true that attacking is the best form of defense? I'm just honestly an embarrassment to the human race.

One day I'm going to die just trying without achieving any results. And still, nobody is going to bother cause only the results matters.

My fingers just skimmed through the keyboard without much thinking.

Your enjoyment of best of both worlds.

2011-04-29T04:10:00.001+08:00

And I wonder if I ever cross your mind. For me it happens all the time. - Lady Antebellum, Need You Now

Sleeping has never been an issue. But it is the moment just before falling asleep where you allow your mind to run freely.

Do you know what is he doing now? He's playing monopoly with his friends and before that table tennis. Maybe he had dinner with them too, I mean it's dinner time, so.. Didn't he say it will take an hour or two? Well, yes, but I guess time just pass us like that when you're having fun. Aren't you curious about the skype conversations he is having? He is obviously still talking to her. Yes, I know he is. But not like I can or could control his circle of friends. It's so simple for you. You know his password. No, I just have to trust him. I believe the guilt will fill him up if he lies to me again. Shouldn't he feel guilty long before? 5 months of guilt but his mouth was still tightly sealed. Can you imagine, the night of his birthday was the start. And just after that is your 8th monthsary and he can still act completely loving and guiltless. Remember the times he just came back to provide you with the attention and instant love you needed and then back there again? Remember the times he could just lie through his teeth and without battering his eyes even though you're crying and begging on the other end for truth. Do you believe he will actually change for you? Who do you think you are since 5 months ago? You're nobody, you're just there, there to satisfy him and..

Stop. I'm killing myself in the brain. Haven't I gave him a good enough reason to hold on to me and not hurt me? Or am I really just nobody to him? Do I even still hold a place in his heart, or am I just slowly being let go off? But if he is happy this way, I should be too. But I can't smile. I can't smile with every single inside of me breaking and shattering and disintegrating. Do I still have the right to reprimand him for making me wait up all night? Oh wait, it's my own actions my own willingness to wait up, why should I blame anyone? I'm so trapped within myself.

Sweet dreams but waking up to into a perfect nightmare.

Kill the lights.

2011-04-27T05:25:00.001+08:00

Haven’t there been times where you just feel like being alone and yet at the same time hoping someone there is caring for you? Sometimes when you’re down and lonely, you just want to phone someone up and cry out wails even though no one can understand. You just don’t feel like being questioned and yet don’t feel like being pitied and allow others to sympathize with you because you just have a strong pride to protect. It’s funny how my emotions and thoughts often conflict with each other and never seem to be able to find a compromise. It’s like wanting to tell someone you have been hurt so badly yet still having a wide grin on your face.

I often find myself wanting to be alone in places like the dark where no one can actually spot me. And yet there are so many eyes looking out for you, paranoid about your safety, paranoid about you doing something stupid. I’m soon to be nineteen and I can’t find the freedom of my own actions. No doubt everything has its own pros and cons, but a lot of time I find myself coming back to the topic of just wanting to be alone. I envy those who are singled child, getting complete privacy of their own lives. But again, who am I to speak for them when I’m not in their shoes living their life.

I want a change of life.

Such a bold statement for me to say when I can’t even handle little changes in life like losing someone dear to me or taking an alternative route than planned. I’m not demanding for a better life, but instead a completely different one in which I am clueless to it so I can clear the scores of regrets and happiness and start all over again.

Enveloped battles.

2011-04-26T21:40:00.000+08:00

I think it's brave to try to be happy. You've gotten so comfortable being unhappy. Wouldn't it be wonderful to wake up in the morning and choose to be happy, to let the water wash everything away? - Pushing Daisies

Ever felt like dying but yet having no control over your life?

It's like little things that goes absolutely different that makes you start to wonder so much. That suddenly you just become the victim of your own mind. You start making random yet deadly assumptions and picture them vividly in your head even never encountering it before. And yet everything just starts making sense, but my heart keeps telling me to trust and believe again.

I believe one day, the guilt will fill you up and the truth will be out.

Does she love you the way I do?

2011-04-25T03:29:00.000+08:00

I need to know if I should fight for our love for this long. It's getting harder to shield this pain in my heart - Justin Bieber, That Should Be Me.

Two hours of seeing you just remain lifeless in a video call just sleeping soundly away. I want to continue just staring at you sleep, I wish I could bring my laptop to my bed and feel as though I'm going to fall asleep beside you. But I'm connected to this wire which is my only source that brings you alive. I'm just waiting for you to wake up so I can talk to you.

I really miss you these few days. Somehow I know everyone is telling me to give up and how it isn't worth it. But you're right that others just shouldn't judge because we been through the ups and downs in this relationship. And somehow I really see through your flaws and in a way love you so much more. &Yet I don't dare to take a step forward.

Do you remember the times where everyone around us was saying that we couldn't make it? And we get so furious about it and we say "we'll prove it to them". It was so silly of us to think our love is greater than distance. And constantly reminding ourselves that it is worth it to hold on because at the end of the day we will be both together and live a life greater than great. Look what distance have done to us. Taking a bit away of us from each day every single day without noticing. It's the gradual changes that we don't realize it happen.

I really wish I could be there with you right now this moment. Cause baby, I believe that together we are infinite.

Love's gravity.

2011-04-23T23:08:00.019+08:00

Cause when a heart breaks it don't break even. - The Script, Breakeven

There's so much to remember about you and us. These memories just keep flashing back throughout the day. And it makes me even want you back more and regret telling you to just be friends. I'm afraid you'll move on and forget about us,

about the times where I went down to the airport to see you even if it just for an hour as you're just stopping over. The times where we played table tennis and the way you played badminton and how you dislike swimming so much but gave in to me. The times I used my hair and tickle your ear in the movies. The time when I booked the wrong tickets to the movies, we went back to the hotel and slept with our hands interlocked. The times you give the curious rhino face and charged forward. The times you knew I was having a bad day and said "Let's take photo!" because you knew that was my favourite past time. The times we just hold hands and walk from streets to streets. The time where you were so eager on me opening the birthday card which made me tear. The times we were listing down on what to do when we are planning the next time we are physically together. The time when we are just lying on the bed watching Dexter. The times you watch me sleep every night even though you're so far. The times where you climb over to your wardrobe and ask me to pick out clothes for you. The times when we balanced anything and everything we could on our heads. The times I stayed in your house and how you will wake me up every morning by asking me to move in and you came beside me to sleep too. The times you ask for a kissy. The times we stayed up playing connect four and you acted like someone else asking for my number. The times we sung one two three four five once I caught a fish alive. The times we had actions to almost all our songs. The times we tried duet-ing Lady Antebullum's need you now. The time you brought me onto the carousel. But the list never ends..

Today, I waited the whole day for you to come online. Just wanting to tell you I badly want us back. Then I realized you slept late and is going to have a BBQ with friends later on and will be playing games all night. While I'm just here trying my best to get organic chemistry into my head even though it refuses to. Today, I waited like how you did before. &Today, I waited but nothing came. I want to scream I miss you, but no one hears my cries. I need you. And I got desperate so I took an initiative and texted. Silly me, you're are just having fun and you should because you haven't been smiling much lately because of us.

Yet here am I blogging this and you'll never get to read this anymore. s2tupidity joel. s2tupidity. I'm telling you the password now..

It's 24 April soon. It was a Saturday last year. Happy first year anniversary. I love you. ♥

Life in disbelief.

2011-04-21T23:16:00.004+08:00

I don't know if I'll make it but watch how good I'll fake it. - Hot Chelle Rae, Tonight Tonight.

Why couldn't I write beautifully like others? Why doesn't my words sink into other people's emotions as well? Why doesn't anyone step into my shoes when they read my writings? Why is no one understanding how I feel?

No, I don't sympathize with her. Instead I empathize. Because I understand how she feels and yet in a totally different way. But I understand how love kills all of us. How each time we fall in love is exactly like ripping our hearts out and giving it stabs. I understand how at the end of the day we just wish to be inexistent when nothing goes our way. How everyday we pull the only energy we have left just to pretend that we are happy. And we do things to just escape from reality, the harsh reality, even just for awhile. How we struggle so hard to forget love when pain inside is constantly reminding you.

And yet the only difference between me and her is freedom. The freedom to do what we want. Ever since April the first, I want to continuously sleep everyday and run away from reality. I want to just cry so badly and so loud and till my eyes pop out, but yet I can't. All I could do is hold the frustrations and tears it in. Do biddings as people please.

Anything on me, it doesn't matter. Because everyone thinks I'm strong enough. It really shows the front I put up is working really well, yet I'm just crumbling into pieces, I hear shatters in me. Cause well, I'm the girl that didn't have a pathetic background that everyone pities, I'm the girl which everyone thinks I'm lucky to be in, I'm the girl that didn't need attention and care for.

Today I woke up and I snapped. Today was the day that I really felt that this life isn't worth living for anymore. Today was the day that I told myself that I give everything up, including my life. Today was the day that I was more than ever desperate to be knocked down by a vehicle. Today was the day I turned selfish and all I could ever think of was to relieve the pain from me.

Everywhere I go was memories. Memories of you and us. Just a simple tilt of the head up are polaroids, are the postcard saying "FROM BARCELONA WITH LOVE". While trying to sleep, at the corner, is a tilted head dog with disappearing eyes and red nose. Opening my wallet are the movie tickets slotted in perfectly at an angle so the corners does not fold. Opening my wardrobe after bathing are the dresses that you said it look nice and the dress your mum bought for me in Paris.

Well, here's to me. Me whining in self pity while she whining in pities from others. Here's to me for being strong and alone. Here's to me, here's to me, here's to me.

Regression.

2011-04-21T04:43:00.001+08:00

I honestly changing. I'm wide awake at 4.15am. And it has been like this for the past few nights. Not suffering from jetlag, it's just can't sleep. My mind filled with almost every problem I can come up with. Like it never stops. It just continues to work and continues to think. And how I try find ways to just let my mind rest in peace and sleep. What happen to the time where I can sleep anywhere and anytime? Now I only sleep when I'm extremely tired, when my eyes are in desperate need of shutting and not blinking. It's like when I do my Maths Portfolio in 3 days and 2 nights without sleeping or like IGCSE Econs coursework which I went 1 night without sleeping and having OGL dance in the morning for Valentine's Day or like playing 24hours street netball the night before National day. That's how I felt. Where it isn't me controlling my body, but my body controlling me.

I'm just changing back to who I previously was like 5 years ago. The mean me, the one who was just straightforward to everyone, the one who constantly just hurt someone without any good reason, the one who wanted constant drama, the one who just hurled vulgarities at someone else, the one that disapprove of everything single thing that stands in my way, the one that uses force to remove something, the one who was proud of her wrong actions, the one didn't care for anyone else's feelings except hers, the one that I dislike and hated.

I feel so guilty. And I hate it when I have to make a first bad impression on someone. I hate it when I honestly am just not that person. I really hate to lie when someone whom I haven't talk to in a long while and asks how am I. I don't want to say I'm fine cause I'm not. But I don't want to say I'm not fine because I know where I'll end up - in tears.

Till now, I really haven't found someone who I can rant everything to. No one really seems to understand. And yes, everyone have their own lives problem, and everyone thinks that theirs is the worst. But I never felt so stressed up, stressed in a way that I can't do anything. I'm immobilized, paralyzed. I have never felt so low in my life before, where in and every aspect of my life isn't going right. And there's just no one for me to lean on.

I never felt loneliness a problem. But now I'm truly alone. And I just want someone near to hug and comfort me.. I just want little surprises. No wait, let me change that. I just want good little surprises, that can just invert my day around. I want someone to understand me and not ask me questions and does as I please.

I'm not science, I don't always progress. But this is worst. It's a regression.

Swept away by currents of the wind.

2011-04-21T01:59:00.000+08:00

It feels like there's no more purpose to like live anymore. There's no more determination or goal anymore. Everything is just slowly perishing away. Why have it got to be this way? Nothing have gone right for a very long time, and it's probably only just going to get worst. Every time I whine to someone, that someone will obviously say the most cliche things ever on earth such as "don't give up", "tomorrow will be a better day", "look at things at the brighter side", "keep trying", "continue hoping" and etc. What if tomorrow isn't a better day but worst? What if things just doesn't have a brighter side? What if trying doesn't help? What if giving up doesn't help? What if I'm just hoping on false hopes?

Then when I said I'm so sick of life, it was just an emotion. Now I have all the reasons to be just sick of life.

XZZ said "there is definitely someone that makes things worthwhile and worth fighting hard for. We are just not strong enough to be the only reason we fought so hard." Indeed, I'm not strong enough to fight anymore. There's seriously just no more purpose or goal since everything is so uncertain. I just don't want myself to one day find out I don't fear the uncertainties of life after death.

The years of April.

2011-04-20T00:52:00.000+08:00

April. And these were the few days we spent together daily that week. Starting with prawning, then movie at Cathay with Ben's&Jerry ice cream before and sitting at Starbucks after, then dinner at NUSS with my family, then lunch at coffee bean or supposingly help for Economics commentary, then lunch at Crystal Jade with my family, then breakfast at Ya Kun, then fixing your tie for you at the traffic light, then accompanying you to school for some Economics event, then the first time we held hands when walking out of school, then bubble tea at Heartland mall, then back at my place when I fell to sleep but you picked me up and kissed me, then our first hugs, then midnight stroll to the playground and finally back home. That's when we got together. April, the many memories which I held so dear to me.

Hey dear. I really miss last sunday. I miss the playground, i miss having you in my arms. And though times like those will be few and far between, the memories will keep us going. I really love you dear. And for the days we seem distant all we have to do is remember, and imagine we’re there again.

— 1st May, 22:03

A new April came. A calling of a celebration and yet I can't seem to smile. I can't seem to feel anything. Only tears knowing the past has passed. Now memories which seem to hold me are those who make me cry to sleep. Most of the times of the days, I just try not to end up in tears. The lies I had to tell everyone that I enjoyed Paris, because it's just such a romantic place to be with my boyfriend for a holiday. This April calls for many sleepless nights. This April I've been fooled over and over again. I want this April to end. But I dare not try for the future anymore. I'm hurted and still hurting.

What happen to April 2010? April shouldn't be like this. April is fooling me..

Letter in a bottle off to the sea.

2011-04-19T06:07:00.000+08:00

Dear me,

I know I've cried enough. I know my heart had enough. I know, even, my brains had enough. This is one last shot, for the future. I'm sorry to all parts of me. I know some days I'll come to regret this and wonder why I even thought of this, but allow me to be strong. Strong to continue throughout.

Love, me.

Edging for a breakdown.

2011-04-18T22:36:00.002+08:00

I don't believe in fairytales, but I believe in you and me - Natalia Kills, Wonderland

Why do I have to be back here? I haven't had my time away from here. And now I'm back, unready, facing reality. I haven't got my head right for words to be formed. I haven't plucked my courage for words to be spoken. I could spend more time away, just running. There's so many things needed to be done, and yet I can't prioritize anything. Every single problem is running loose on time.

I need to pack my room and start searching for many lost items. I need to study for my exams. I need to email my Universities for appeals. I need to be strong for this family. I need to find time for buying presents. I need to give the polaroid films away. I need to count and deposit my angbao money before someone steals it. I need to book my auto lessons and driving test. I need to keep him before I lose him.

Change is the only constant. So don't use change as an excuse to leave someone, you're changing too but they chose to stay. - Unknown

Back to studying.. I'm going crazy.

foryouj

2011-04-17T04:32:00.002+08:00

Dear you,

You say we run out of topics to talk. But do you realize we never when we are actually together? The times we can just hold hands and talk as we stroll along the random streets in a city till the sky turned dark and we got hungry? Then again, are you tired from our relationship? It seems to me you always feel empty and nothing even though you emphasized you love me. Is your love fading once more? I honestly, and have told you many times that, am happy. Happy to see you even through this screen, happy to hear your voice, happy to know sometimes you're not that far away. I'm not staying in this relationship for the sake of just being with you. I love you, and I picture many more traveling with you, I picture many more polaroids with you, I picture many more strolls in the gardens with you, I picture you with me in the future.

Yes, I'm hurting. Hurting from what I've found out weeks ago. Hurting and being reminded of it. And I'm sorry. Sorry for unable to trust you so much before, sorry for always being paranoid, sorry for having so much suspicion. Put up with me through this period as I try to get over. But I beg you. I beg you not to ever lie to me, beg you not to ever put me through the same pain, beg you to love me and only me.

So don't. Don't let me go. Stay with me, through this pain, help me. Don't take the easy way out and leave. Fight this. For me, for us, for love.

Love, me.

Repeat of history, not.

2011-04-16T01:04:00.000+08:00

It's probably 6pm over there, and he's out of contact. And I'm panicking all over again, imagining the worst of the worst. I don't know when this paranoia will be over, or will I eventually get over it?

I'm scarred, but I'm innocent. And looking at the scar just reminds me of the pain I have gone through and it remains there for life. Reminds me how it wasn't my fault and yet situation got out of control. Reminds me of that night how I desperately stomped my feet and shook my head in tears. Reminds me of how I broke down so terribly that I just didn't want to stand up. And that day will continuously repeat as I stare at the scar. A scar like a memory. This scar is a nightmare. I don't want to be constantly reminded that he chose me because he love me more than her. I probably gotten 51% of his heart, which is still more. I don't want that. I don't want to be constantly living in fear that I will, one day, drop points and everything changes.. I want a guy who loves and wants me completely. But who am I to deserve this. All he will be getting now is broken pieces of me..

I dare not believe anymore. It reminds me how foolish I was to believe each and every lie he told before. And I don't want to be that same girl that gave my heart away to be broken. But what is a relationship without trust anymore..

Can we eventually just make it through?

Above the clouds, on the plane home.

2011-04-15T00:12:00.000+08:00

Tangled. A fairytale movie. A child movie. And yet movies like these never fail to catch my attention. I remember my sisters watch it with their boyfriends and bragged how nice the movie was. And today, up in the sky, I finally watch it, on my own.

Fairytale stories. How I once used to say life is a fairytale where we all do get our happy ending someday. And probably this is true, I never know. But now fairytales meant something else. It meant that it was her favourite. And those words coming back again. Haunting and hurting me. Warwick castle. And how he bragged about it being so good. Now I wonder, was it good? Or was the companion good?

Everything I look at now have a different view. Everything that was once my favourite, hurt me. Something I used to believe so strongly turns out into a prick.

Tangled. Sure do I am tangled in my own mess.

Dug up not too old memories.

2011-04-11T05:57:00.000+08:00

It's hard to trust someone the 2nd time around after they already gave you one reason not to trust them. - Anonymous

My valentine's day 2011 video to you was photos of us before Nov 2011. And probably why I cry each time I see it because..

I miss the days when our love is true. The days where I know it is true. The days where I can trust you without a doubt. The days where I don't find myself having troubles to smile. The days where photobooth is never excluded. The days where I know I need not fight for your love. The days where I know you're all mine. The days where I knew your promises were promises to me and I felt assured. The days where I knew each I love you really meant something and not just passing words. The days where 3am chats were never boring or tiring. The days where you are eager to talk to me. The days where you rush me home to see me. The days where..

The days where I know you only love me and no one else.

It's no longer a statement. It's always a question.

2011-04-10T07:33:00.000+08:00

None of my past relationships have ever crossed the 12months duration. And I look at all my other friend's relationships being so long and still lovable and sweet together. There must be something wrong with me, isn't it? It's so difficult to keep a relationship or to keep a boy/man to love me throughout the next part of his life. What did I do wrong? Maybe I keep ending up with the wrong people. Sometimes they say good friends does not necessarily be good boyfriends or husbands-to-be.

This relationship is almost dead or dying. I'm numbed to my bones, even death is not scaring me. I should be scared of myself now. I honestly don't know what is right to do anymore. I used to think I got everything right, but everything just ended up as a shit hole. Now I doubt. I doubt myself. I doubt my actions. Whether on being right is really right.

I'm really changing. And I don't like the direction I'm heading to.

I'm asking you to love me.

2011-04-08T17:52:00.001+08:00

And maybe I'm not ready but I'll try for your love. - Try by Asher Book

I'm holding on, just desperate for things to go right again. A risk I took even though I knew I failed the first time. I gave all I had and all I could. And silly me, I would do it again. But it is only by hurting that I will know that I have tried for love before finally giving up. Broken to bits but I would risk to be more broken. This is the last and I promise myself it will be the last. The last I would try so hard for love.

A second chance for a broken heart.

2011-04-07T05:04:00.000+08:00

Back to homeland of English. The holiday mood is over. And it's time to finally settle down and think through so many things. Studies, love, family, death and life.

Throughout this whole thing, it suddenly occur to me that probably I'm not good enough. Suddenly it felt like I was the third party, the scandalous one. And I wanted to step back and let love bloom on the other side. As much as I love, it felt it was probably better for someone to finally step out of the picture. &That would be me.

Till he took me on the carousel of the last day in Paris, the embarrassment he was willing to take for me, the sincerity of taking me there, the promise that he followed through, the effort that he took.. I never felt this happy and touched ever since the birthday card. Then I knew, I don't want to let go. I rather fight and be a fool again. I can only hope for the better.

I was, again, ready for my heart to be broken. But I want things to work cause I love him. To him, everything was a joke. My misery was a joke. This whole thing was a joke. The mistake is obvious, the mistake was him and the mistake is still him. I'm hurting and I don't feel like smiling. I want him to want me. I want words to actually prove something.

A swinging pendulum.

2011-04-03T06:45:00.000+08:00

Dear me,

I feel so numbed. My moods changes like a pendulum. Today was the first time I met her. Honestly, if it were to be earlier, I would be smiling away. But today, I couldn't. I wanted to walk right up to her, slap her and call her a slut or bitch. That poor face of hers. But I couldn't. I felt weak to my knees and my organs were all cramping up. My heart hurts like I don't know. I cringed and I bite my lips. I did it again, refrain the tears. I wanted to perish somewhere to just let it all out.

Tonight dinner. Every word was so ironic. How everyone was expecting that I would be the one leaving. It already happened. But it wasn't me. It was him. Made me think what is wrong with me that made him go to someone else. I used to think that I was the one hiding everything, like he always said to me. Only to realized what a hypocrite he has been. Now I really don't know which words to believe or not. Whether promises are even still promises. Whether I should be the one making promises and telling the truth when I'm not getting any.

Then alone time made me think. When was their first kiss. When was their first hug. When did they start holding hands. Is there even anything else that I still don't know? Something worst?

It hurts. And I don't know if everything from now will be worth it anymore. So many times I just felt like giving up. But I don't know if I should. I feel so happy around him, but yet every single action he does reminds me of him doing it to her as well. Then everything changes. Nothing is special anymore. Paris is a beautiful city. Where lovers meet. For me, it felt like it ended. Knowing that it is her favourite city just made everything worst. I can't bear to even like it a bit.

A swinging pendulum. I just want to stop being swayed.

Love, me.

I love you till Love died.

2011-04-01T11:27:00.002+08:00

How are things going to go from here. A second chance, he asked. I'm practically at a lost. (I probably use this phrase for a million times already, and everything would seem so normal, but it's not.) Things are going to change.

When I kiss those lips again, I'll remember the times he kissed her too. When I hug that body again, I'll remember the times he hugged her too. When I sleep next to him again, I'll remember the times she slept next to him. When I have meals with him, I'll remember the times she had countless of 'candlelight' dinners with him. When I watch him study or play his games, I'll remember this was the angle she looked from too. When I hear I miss you too, I'll remember the times he said that to her too. I'll constantly remember. Remember the same look he had with her into my eyes.

It's 5.30am here and I honestly can't sleep. My heart aches. When the sun settles in, it will be a day of acting and self control. I must get used to this. Because soon all these fake masks will be the new me. I'm so alone.

It's April again.

2011-04-01T08:21:00.000+08:00

There's only one time in each year, and every time each year, I'll say this "You're gonna be April's fool's joke." But this time, I can't. I felt like I've been pranked and set up way long before today.

Why am I a fool? Maybe it's time to give up. To give someone else who deserves better and also for you to get better. Then why. Why couldn't I be the one who someone is willing to step into my shoe? To understand my dilemma. What is true and what is false, I no longer know.

Being away from you hurts me. Being with you hurts me. I miss you. Then suddenly I realize somewhere someone else is missing you too. Then brings back the hidden away "I miss you too." from 3 months ago message which I found out. It hurts. These memories. These nightmares when I'm awake. I don't know whether to be away or be with you.

I feel numbed to my bones. How not to expext for the worst? How not to be pessimistic? So what if I got you? So what if I know I have you physically? She beat me hands down. She taken all of you. Through the actions, your eyes, your constant dilemma on the train. Then I knew, it's probably time to let go. Even if someone have to rip my hands apart, I knew I had to let you go.

But I won't. I can't. My heart says to fight till the death of it. And I will. Will hold on because I love you so, and just holding your hands makes wonders of me.

Reading upon her blog, her archives. I can't. I can't handle it anymore. I'm crying on the first day in Paris. Paris, a place to find love? It's gone now. I'm hurt, I'm crushed. I never been this crushed before. I can't handle it. I'm broken. I don't know what else to say. Bye Love and bye You.

A breath of cool mint.

2011-03-28T00:18:00.001+08:00

Like any other nights or days, brushing teeth have never been easy. It was always the time for reflection, both literally and figuratively. Tonight I looked up to the mirror and the first thing I notice that my hair is in a mess, followed by my expanded round face which is evidently the result of my holiday. It wasn't a very sightly sight, I must say. So I took in a deep breath and continue with polishing my teeth. Started off with slow and precise movements along each teeth, never missing out any, even the molars which are deeply hidden inside. Then the pace intensively grew harder and faster. Why? What didn't I do enough? Am I not wanting it enough? I was frustrated with not being able to come up with answers. My gums were bleeding, as usual, but this time for a different reason. Frustration turned into anger, anger turned into tears, tears turned into desperation. But still no vail. My mouth was burning from mint so I quickly took a rinse and came back. Looked up in the mirror once more, but only to check for my teeth.

I went out knowing I couldn't answer them. But at least I know I have a white set of teeth and a minty breath, all ready for bed.

4.30am. Tick and tock. The second step on a flight of stairs. Wrapped up in pink.

I had to escape. Escape from knives and daggers that was aiming for my heart. I'm confused of what my heart and mind wants or needs anymore. All the signals coming in at once. I can no longer distinguish between what is needed and what is wanted. I need a breather to clear my lungs and nose. But I hoped for something bigger to clear instead. Hoped for a clear mind. A clear mind for rest. A rest that is needed. And this is what I need right now. A rest.

I'm so tired. I don't know what to think anymore. Just let me be tired.

But my heart will triumph over my head as long as you are near.

2011-03-20T17:43:00.000+08:00

Today, my heart hurts. But my heart will triumph over my head as long as you are near. I need someone to talk to. Someone who can reason things out with my heart, someone who understands the dilemma I'm going through, someone who knows letting go isn't everything or the sole decision right now, someone who realizes I'm cracking up..

Today, I feel betrayed. Betrayed by myself and betrayed by you. Knowing I'm no longer first prioirty or knowing that I have to share the only thing I don't want to share, I lost it. It is then only clear to me what is to be done next. I have finally lost this losing battle. I'm mentally so tired but physically not. I'm in desperate need for a long rest but my body says no. I struggle to be awake, but also struggle to be asleep.

But as long as you are near, my heart will triumph over my head.

Nothing is making sense anymore.

2011-03-20T04:09:00.000+08:00

So many things running through my mind. Don't know which the sequences my questions are going to spill, or what is the correct sequences. I always tend to find hope in little things and ending up destroying it myself like the way the hope did. Have I tried too hard for that certain something? Or have I just not tried enough?

I don't know whose words to trust anymore. I don't know whose words to carry out anymore. I don't know where to stand anymore. I'm breaking apart, but I can't be broken.

I would really go out to have a nice stroll now, but it's too chilly and my face is burnt. Can't connect anything together. Hoping someone could understand whatever I've just typed.

All the pain of yesterday.

2011-03-18T07:33:00.000+08:00

So much thoughts, so much nights just thinking to sleep, so much space for thinking, and yet it is so impossible to come to a conclusion. Conclusion of which will be a better lost. And it's not about weighing out the pros and cons because there is no price tag on it to decide which is more worth it than the other.

Someone mind-fucked you and all of the sudden they are saying sorry hoping their words does not affect you in the future. But you can't take back words, you can't stab someone and draw back your knife and claim nothing has happened. You can't simply do that and make someone forget and pretend that they are fine and not going to die. It is just brutal.

It's true there's nothing else more to lose. But things can always just remain this shitty. &The worst feeling you can get is to wake up knowing that life is still in a mess.

Declaration.

2011-03-15T06:36:00.001+08:00

Suddenly everything seems so unclear to me. Everything is sooner or later to be over. Over. Perish. Gone. &I wish I could too. Right now. This moment. This time.

I don't want to fight anymore. I want everything to be over now. I need someone, yet there's no one anymore. No one to cry on their shoulders, no one to hug me tight, no one to be there for me.

I'm giving up.

I remembered, did you?

2011-03-14T06:33:00.000+08:00

I'm not scared of never meeting you. I'm scared of having met you, and let you go. - iwrotethisforyou

Memories. The ability to remember something from the past. It is only unfortunate how we can't choose which present to be a memory. Unfortunately, some memories are like nightmares, it haunts you when remembered. It hurts to know that this particular memory or these memories will always be a part of me. As much as I would want to let it go, it refuses. It hurts to often be brought back to the point in time which I felt all these again. The shock, the feeling of hopelessness, the mixed emotions..

At the end of the day, all I want to shout is "It's worth it". Till then, either I hang on or just give up now. I'm afraid that one day, I'll turn selfish. That I make myself the sole priority in my life, that I lose the ability to take risks, that I close up to all hurt, that I suddenly change. Thoughts are already habouring and I'm starting to fight against it.

I don't really know who to listen anymore. Whose actions to carry out. Nothing seem to end in a right way. Suddenly, it feels like I don't have a mind of my own, I don't have a voice for myself, I'm not independent. Nothing feels the same anymore. It needs some evaluation.

Twisted straight.

2011-03-08T06:40:00.000+08:00

The least you could do, is uncross your heart. Unhope to die. - iwrotethisforyou

Currently in Rome. "All roads lead to Rome." This phrase, I've no idea why anyone would say that. The transport here is shitty, the metro stations don't go everywhere or anywhere (except near my accommodation) and the buses, that are supposing easy to use, aren't that easy after all. It's mad confusing and the buses don't even stop at the stop which they are designated to. Urgh. I've been growing fatter daily. It's such a horrible fact. And what's worst is that I'll just grow fatter and fatter. &Someone stole my purple socks! :( Horrible person who is obsessed with my cleaned socks! TOOK ALL OF IT AND LEFT NOT EVEN ONE FOR ME. :( I'm only left with 1 dirty socks. Sighs. I want my favourite socks back.

I honestly starting to dislike the westerns. Like everyone here is so stereotypical. "Asian face! automatically switch to Ni hao! Konnichuwa!" Like hello, not all Asians are bloody from China or Korea or Japan. Haven't you heard like countries like Malaysia, Singapore or the Philippines? Countries that also speak English? Everyone is like "You're from China?" &There was this Australian who was like "Why you speaking English?" Oh my God. Singapore isn't pretty far off from you. Don't like the fact that we constantly get looked down upon because of our skin colour. This is the 21st century guys.

How to get through someone. How to be the thoughts of someone. How to act as the brains for someone. How to control the emotions of someone. I don't want to believe that giving up is the only way out now. There's always something better. I believe in Alexandra Graham Bells' "When one door closes another opens" theory, but I can't find the other door, I can't. Still in the zone of getting a door slammed in the face. Stunned and stuck to the ground. It's always a question of "How now?" or "What's next?"

Thoughts from Madrid.

2011-03-05T06:53:00.001+08:00

Suddenly, all the things I need to worry, I worry. And there's nothing else I could do. Just worry. Because plans don't need to be followed through, because dreams don't have to come true, because..

The worst thing about being at fault is not knowing what went wrong, what is the mistake, or where it is. Everyone is just simply pointing to you saying "it's your fault, your mistake, you caused it", but yet you can't spot it. You try recalling, retracing, each step of the way, but you just can't seem to know what and why or where. Even with determination to change or even repent, then you think to yourself "where do I start?" or "how to?". Then only you realize you're back at step one, thinking where you have went wrong. It's suffocating with all the criticism and yet you try to take them positively. Like how death is all not that bad. But you seem just stuck, like it's a dead end, a trapped door, an impenetrable membrane. And there's no turning back anymore. Filled with guilt and remorse over actions you don't really understand or know.

Suddenly I just want to be home. Hiding under my blanket, just like any small girl, and just be hardened against anything. The invincible blanklet. I just want to feel safe again. I just want to be small again.

Now the worst thoughts came creeping in, just harvesting again. It's time to go.

I need just time to be alone. Be somewhere far. Be away from everything. I need time to think, to make sure everything else in the future is worth it. I'm so far away from everything else, and yet I can't seem to escape.. Escape the thoughts of everything. Right now, I just need a deep and long sleep. Till I'm ready, ready to face people, to face the world, to face everything. But, running was never an option. Take a risk, daffy. Just go for it, run straight to it. Crash the wall or let it crash me. I'll eventually pick up the pieces again.